The Orlando Curse or I'm Afraid of Virginia Woolf
by Whisper2AScream
Summary: (Ch. 3 updated!) Apparently, somebody or something thought Xander had it easy, and switched genders on him. (Takes place 5th Season)
1. Just Another Day in Normality

Title: The Orlando Curse, or I'm Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  
Author: Whisper2AScream  
Disclaimer: Xander, along with mentioned chars. (Buffy, Willow, Giles, Anya, etc.) belong to the twisted evil one known as Joss, as well as Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Productions, and Twentieth Century Fox Studios, not me. Grrr…arggh indeed. No infringement is intended, and not making a single cent. Not even a pence, so please ix-nay on the sueage. Orlando concept was the late, talented Virginia Woolf's idea, not mine. (Copyright's up, but hey, give credit where's it due, neh?)  
Spoilers: General 5th Season spoilery stuff. Post-The Replacement. Nothing major.  
Summary: Apparently, somebody or something thought Xander had it easy, and switched genders on him.  
Category: SH (Slayage-Humor)   
Rating: PG-13, I guess, for language mostly. Maybe mild adult themes.  
Distribution: Oh yeah. *Kool-Aid Man crashes through wall* …Uh anyway, just let me know if you do, please? Thanks!  
Feedback: Abso-fraggin-lutely! (E-mail me at: whisper2ascream13@yahoo.com)  
  
"Ok, I'm calling it a night. So tired that my eyes are yawning," I commented as I got up from researching. I rubbed my eyeballs a bit, still seeing afterimages of demons and other ghoulies.  
  
Giles barely glanced up from his book, "Very well, Xander. Night."  
  
Anya then got up, "I'm tired too. So tired, I'm ready to collapse like a corpse. Only living, of course." She smiled brightly. Her idea of humor. Yep, there's Anya for you, always a gift for words.  
  
"Uh, yeah, c'mon Ahn." I wrapped my arm around her as we left the magic shop. Willow and Tara had already taken off, and Buffy had even headed home. Jeez, how late was it? I glanced at my watch.   
  
"Oh God, it's late. I got work in the morning! Foreman's gonna kill me." I hurried Anya over to the car, and then rushed over to the driver side. I got in, and heard the doors slam in succession.  
  
"But I thought you didn't have to go in till noon. We were going to have breakfast together." I glanced over at her, and she was doing that cute pout I like so much. For an ex-demon, she was pretty hot. In fact, I found myself leaning over, and kissing her, right on the cute pout.  
  
I then drew back, and started the car, "I didn't, but Fred called out sick, so I'm covering his shift instead." I pulled out into the road, driving up Main.  
She frowned, "That's horrible. They should fire him."  
  
"Anya, he can't help getting sick. That's one of those human things we have. We get sick."  
  
"I know. I hated having that cold. And I hate having my period. Especially when the blood comes out looking…"  
  
"Whoa! Way more information than I need," I grimaced as I drove. Oh yeah, definitely too much information. I knew about women, especially when Will was telling me some of the basic stuff when we both went through puberty. However, there are some things NO man should ever know.   
  
Anya then said, "I have never understood that. What is it about a normal menstrual cycle that upsets men so much?"  
  
"Maybe it's the fact, we're guys, and don't know, or even want to know. We just accept it as one of those girly things." I pulled up to her apartment building, and turned to her.  
  
She glanced back at me, "I suppose. Does that mean men secretly fear women? Because of what they don't know? I'll admit some women came up with some very interesting ideas for revenge. Like this one women in the 13th Century wished for oozing pustules on her husband's…" Not wishing to hear the rest of the story, I silenced her by covering her mouth with my right hand.   
  
"Once again, too much information." I then took my hand away, only to see her mouth zooming towards mine, and I soon forget our conversation.  
  
-------------------  
  
Later, I drove home. At odd times, I'll get tempted to turn, and head to my old place, where my parents live. But then I remembered, that I don't live in that disgusting basement anymore, and dealing with my parents who either yelled at me, or each other. And I couldn't help smiling as I head to the apartment complex. My own apartment that I bought with money I had earned. Ok, I might be a townie to the college people, but I'm doing pretty decent. I was still smiling a bit as I sank into my bed, and fell asleep. 


	2. Rude Awakenings

The next morning, I woke up, vaguely remembering some weird dream with some really pretty, but strange woman in robes, three of them, and trumpets. I glanced over at the clock by my bed. 11:00am. I was late.  
  
"Shit!" I yelled, getting up out of bed quickly. That was when I noticed something was off. Way off. For one thing, my voice sounded different, higher. And also, my balance was off somehow. Then, I looked down.  
  
"What the hell?" Breasts, I was staring down at breasts. Big, full breasts. I couldn't help touching them tentatively. Oh boy, they seemed very real. Also, kind of nice… what am I thinking? Scared, I tried to look past them, further down, and oh God, it's not there. I hurried into the bathroom, seeing a pretty young woman with dark hair approaching the mirror. I turned around, thinking maybe Anya had snuck in, only no one was there. As I got closer, I realized the woman was me?!? I stuck my tongue out, only to see her doing the same. I turned to the side, staring at the profile. Still had a medium build, less muscles, but not bad. And I still had my hair, only it was about shoulder length, falling in soft waves. Eyes, nose, chin, all the same, just well, um, adjusted somehow. I couldn't help staring for a few moments, especially considering, I was still naked at the time. Aaagh, get a hold of yourself, Harris! Ok, went to sleep as a man, woke up as a woman. What happened last night? Hmmm… was helping Giles research on Glory, uh, left with Anya, the usual ritual of trying to suck each other's tongues out of the other's mouth, and headed home. Nope, nothing happened out of the ordinary, but then again, of course, being the Hellmouth, there is no such thing as ordinary.   
  
"Giles, he should know. Maybe he can find out what did this." Oh God, what if I'm stuck like this? I was just getting my life into order, now this? I then heard the front door open, and Anya's voice calling for me. Dammit, I forgot I gave her an extra key to get in. How the hell am I supposed to explain this?  
  
"Xander? Are you here? Did you oversleep again?" I heard her footsteps getting closer. Ok, going to have to tell her somehow. I head out to the main room to tell her.  
  
"Ahn, lemme explain." I started to say.  
  
Her head turned in my direction, and her eyes widened. "Who are you, what are you doing here? Where's Xander?" Then, her eyes narrowed, and I belatedly remembered that I was still naked, "I should have known. Men are all alike."   
  
"Anya," I pleaded, "It's not what you think. Hard to explain, but it's me. It's Xander."  
  
Anya muttered, "You're lucky I've changed." Then, in a louder voice, she said, "I don't know who you are. But you tell that cheater, that I… I… hope he loses his testicles!" She then turned, and walked out, slamming the door behind.  
  
"Kind of late for that." I couldn't help remarking, even though I know she didn't hear me by that point. I sank down to the floor. Crap, what now? Well, what was I to expect, she had trouble believing me when I was split in two, why not now when I'm no longer a guy? Where to go? Buffy? Again, only half of me convinced her who I was. And she hasn't known me as long as… Will! Willow, my bestest friend in the world, she'll believe me. I started heading out the door, when I was reminded of two things: A) I was still naked; B) I needed to come up with an excuse for work. 


	3. Gender Bending and Stretching

After coming across a pair of sweatpants that I kept around for construction work, a T-shirt which now came down to my knees almost, and a pair of sneaks where I stuffed socks into the toes to fit, I headed out, and downstairs to my car. On the ride over to Will's dorm, I made every effort to obey the traffic laws. Last thing I needed, was trying to explain to a cop why my license shows a guy, and I'm a girl. Luck was with me for once, and I made to her dormitory successfully. I came to her door, and knocked.  
  
The door opened. Great, she's in.  
  
"Yes?" She asked, staring at me.  
  
I took in a deep breath, and then rushed out, "Will, you gotta help me. I don't know what happened, but I went to sleep as normal Xander guy. But when I woke up, I was suddenly Xander girl, and I really don't know what happened to cause this. So I'm thinking Giles time."  
  
She frowned, her face scrunched up, "…OK, uh, I think you should go…" She started to close the door, but I shot my hand out to hold the edge in place.  
  
"Alright, I need to prove to you again. Um, remember when I was split in two, and I showed up, and it was raining, and I did the Snoopy dance? And remember one of the times we snuck out of our houses to gorge on ice cream, and we got sick, but our parents just thought we had the flu and let us stay home from school for a couple of days?" Off her hesitant look, I then said, "Ok, here, I'll do it again." And I started doing the Snoopy dance, which felt a lot weirder this time on account I now had two things bouncing against my chest.  
  
"Xander, stop, please." Willow said. Yes, I knew she'd believe me!  
  
I stopped dancing, "Oh, thank you! And… ow, these uh, breasts hurt."  
  
Willow stared at me, studying my face intently. I guess, checking for my Xanderness, despite the new package, "Well, no wonder. You don't have a bra on. You better come in before somebody notices." As she said this, I heard some wolf whistles and catcalls coming down the hall. I turned, and noticed a couple of guys down the hallway leering at me.  
  
I gulped, "Oh God." Oh, this is bad. I felt sick. I rushed inside her room, and flopped on the bed. I glanced up to see her still staring at me.  
  
She smiled slightly, though it seemed pained, "Um, sorry, it's just weird seeing you like this. You know, as Xander-woman?"  
  
I nodded eagerly. Oh, absolutely, the quicker I can get this fixed, the happier I'll be.   
"I know, I've been having uber-wiggins all morning, Will." I then noticed she was still staring a little, less confused, and more interested? "Uh, Will, you ok?"   
  
She blinked, and then seemed to blush a little. Ok, weirdness continues. We were kind of into each other during that whole fluke thing, but she's attracted to me like this? I then heard her say, "Oh, sorry. Um, I think you're little big for my bras. We'll have to buy you one, just for the time being."  
  
I frowned, "Um, do I have to wear one?" What's next? Little panties, then makeup, and feminine products… and Omigod, I better stop that train of thought right now.  
  
"Only unless you don't mind guys staring at you."  
  
Ouch. "Point taken."  
  
"Have you talked to Giles yet?" She asked me.  
  
I stared back at her, "Uh, how can I? Like he's gonna know me by my voice."  
  
She looked down, "Oh, right."  
  
I then added, "Hell, my own girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her now."  
  
"You are?" Great, she's zoning out on me.  
  
"Yeah, with me. Um, I was kind of undressed when she came in."  
  
She frowned, "You mean, you were naked? Why? And ewww." She scrunched her face up.   
  
I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, I've preferred sleeping eau de natural." Jeez, what is she freaking out for? Anya never seems to mind it. But then, considering she's hornier than even me at times, no wonder she's never complained.  
  
"I think you mean, 'au natural.'   
  
What? K, I know my language skills suck, but, "Uh, what did I say?"  
  
Willow explained, "You said, 'natural water.'"  
  
"Well, since when have you known me to speak French?"  
  
She smiled slightly, "Uh, never." She then went over to the phone, "I'll call Giles, and Buffy. Maybe they know something. It's probably just a simple transformation spell." She brightened a little. "I think I remember reading something about it in one of my books."  
  
I got up, and grabbed her shoulders excitedly, "You mean, you might be able to cure me? Oh, you're the best!" I gave her a big hug. She hugged back a little, till we both noticed that her breasts were right up against…*gulp* mine. Oh, please let her find a cure soon, this is just too strange! We both backed away. And she looked flushed again, only for a different reason.  
  
I heard another voice say, "Um, did I c-come at a bad time?"   
  
Willow shook her head, "Oh, no, sorry Tara. Uh, long story, but Xander somehow got turned into a girl."  
  
I turned around, only to see a shocked, and slightly hurt Tara, "Oh, yeah, Tara, it's just me. The X-man, only less man of late." Bad enough my relationship is on the rocks. I didn't want to see Willow hurt again.  
  
Tara came up to me, and peered at me, "Oh wow, it's like 'Orlando.'" Orlan-wha? Willow was surprised, which made me feel slightly better for not being the only one out of the loop for once.  
  
Tara then explained, "'Orlando.' It was this book written by Virginia Woolf, about a guy who turns into a woman, and then lives on through a couple of centuries."  
  
Ok, long life span sounds good, but as a woman? Uh, no. Can you say no way in hell?  
  
"Wait, he was never turned back?"  
  
She shook her head, "No, actually the book made it seem like she was supposed to be a woman, and just spent the first part of her life as a man."  
  
"Uh, correct me if I'm wrong. But I think I'm pretty sure that I was meant to be a man. Nothing else." I stated vehemently.  
  
Tara just shrugged, "Well, Woolf was a early feminist writer, so you probably just got hit with a spell."  
  
God, I hope that's all. I don't want to spend my life like this! "Uh, yeah, probably."  
  
Willow went over to the phone, and dialed. From there, I could hear her one-sided conversation.  
  
"Hi Giles. We got a problem, um, Xander's somehow been turned into a girl. Uh, yeah, kind of funny. He says he doesn't know how. You want to talk to him?" She held the receiver out to me, "Here, Giles said he wants to talk to you."  
  
"Um, ok…" I picked up the phone, "Hey Giles."  
  
I could hear him ask, "Xander? That's really you?" He sounded strained, like he was holding back laughter. Yeah, great, let's all laugh at my misery.  
  
"It's me, even though not really myself right now. You know how to fix this right?"  
  
"Well, it sounds like a typical transfiguration spell. Now, you didn't do anything unusual, or anything different recently?"  
  
"Well, other than the usual time with Anya, um, helping you research, uh summoning something from the 9th circle of Hell."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Kidding. No, everything was normal for normal guy. Well, as normal as a person can get around here." Then, brief flashes of my dream suddenly appeared in my head, "Uh, well, there was this dream last night. Uh, there were a couple of women, in robes I think, and uh, they were blowing trumpets."  
  
There was a pause as Giles thought, or so I figured. Probably got that familiar frown in his face whenever he was doing some deep thinking.  
  
He then replied, "You mean, like the book, 'Orlando?'" On the same wavelength as Tara, why does this whole thing got me wigged big time?  
  
"I guess. Tara mentioned the same thing. Fiction book, right?"  
  
"Well, so I believed. Though, this might mean there was some truth in the story. I'll have to research this further." Of course. Fun time with Giles usually meant peering into musty books.  
  
"Ok, I'll leave ya to your fun. Willow's gonna take me shopping."  
  
"In that case, I'll better move as quickly as possible." There he goes, showing off that weird British sense of humor.  
  
"Ha-ha, very funny. Bye." I sullenly said, and hung up. I glance up at Willow and Tara.  
  
Willow then asked, "So, you ready?" I gulped loudly.  
  
"Um, maybe you could just pick up a few things, and I'll hide here?" I weakly asked.  
  
Willow smiled, and replied, "Sorry, but we don't know your size now. You'll have to come along."  
  
"Ok." And I resignedly went out to my fate. 


End file.
